The “Get off my lawn!” debate

Welcome back to night 2 of the Democratic beauty pageant to elect Joe Biden. I have to admit night one was rather amusing. Well at least the memes were this morning. I don’t have high expectations for tonight given the contenders, but I’ve covered myself in Ben-Gay, strapped on my bunion corrector, and now I’m ready for the Bernie-Biden slugfest.

Since I’m sure my ears will be bleeding by the time this night is over, I’ve switched from sangria to beer and instituted drinking rules that will have everyone wasted and speaking Spanish in 20 minutes.

Drink every time Biden says: Folks, Barack Obama, his son Beau, or Scranton.

Drink every time Bernie says: Look, millionaires and billionaires, Amazon, or Wall Street.

I think that will exhaust my supply for the night.

My dark horse is Andrew Yang. Anyone who shows up without a tie scores points. He should have gone with the Steve Jobs turtleneck.

How old is that photo of Bernie? 1980s at least.

9:02 Let’s sabotage Bernie! Wall Street. Drink!

Michael Bennet going straight for the interruption and Savannah shuts him down.

9:05 Biden asked about saying nothing will change for the rich. Mayor Pete scores the first side eye of the night.

9:06 Harris has the rowdy fans tonight. I think she is reading a Bernie stump speech about the economy.

9:07 Hickenlooper gets socialism question. Again, let’s all throw stones at Bernie. His advisors need to introduce him to Crest Whitestrips. Not sure what reducing teen pregnancy has to do with socialism.

9:09 Bernie calls Trump a pathological liar, fraud and racist.

9:10 Gillibrand jumps in to try and steal everyone else’s arguments.

9:11 Bennet is the Delaney of the night asking moderators to repeat themselves. I didn’t think he was that old. “WHAT? ARE YOU TALKING ME?”

Jose Diaz Balart engages Mayor Pete in Spanish. No visible side eye from Biden.

Instead of measuring hand size they are comparing student loan debt. Democrats are civilized.

9:14 Yang invokes Amazon. I’m still drinking. He looks like an Asian John Cusack. Wearing a toupee. Advocates a VAT but will give you $1000 a month.

9:16 Swalwell gets a weird question about robot cars or something. He has bypassed the flag pin for an orange gun violence ribbon. He sucks up to Biden so he can be VP. Biden needs to give his Whitestrips to Hickenlooper.

Bernie wins the shoutoff with Gillibrand, Williamson & Pete. Harris is using the Beto anecdote playbook. But have you met Maria from Laredo, Kamala? Have you?

Bernie & Harris are the only Medicare for All supporters.

9:22 Gillibrand does Bernie’s dirty work explaining Medicare for All.

9:23 Lester butchers “Buttigieg.” Pete is a bit sweaty.

9:23 Biden invokes Beau and Obama in the same answer. He’s really had Botox. He sounds angrier than Bernie.

Bennet gets shot down by Lester again.

9:27 Marianne Williamson gets a question. “We have a sickness care system” not a healthcare system. Truth. But now she goes down the road that we are getting poisoned for profit.

9:28 Bennet wants a public option. Talks about his prostate cancer. He looks like he has furry caterpillars on his forehead. Bernie laughs at his comments about Canada’s healthcare.

Don’t these people realize every time they attack Bernie he gets 30 seconds rebuttal time? He’s going to get an hour to himself at this point.

9:30 Harris telling another anecdote. Ask her what she thinks about section 1325! In Spanish.

All candidates support healthcare for undocumented immigrants.

Wow, nobody can hear the questions tonight. When is the commercial break. Folks! Drink!

Biden doesn’t wear a wedding ring. Manwhore.

9:40 Back from break with Mr. Hooper. Scores points by saying ICE is kidnapping kids.

9:41 Williamson looks like a romance novelist. Piles on that we are state-sponsoring child abuse. Calls out other candidates for not talking about how American policy in central America contributed to crisis.

9:43 I think Gillibrand and Harris suffer from Warren Plan Envy. Every questions has a 5 point plan.

9:44 Jose asks everyone if they want to repeal section 1325. Somehow Mayor Pete turns this into a religious question whether God would put people in cages.

I think Yang’s podium is invisible. Same spot Ryan was in last night and neither one gets any questions.

9:45 Biden is just yelling every answer. What happened to charming Ol’ Handsome Joe? Jose calls him out for the Obama administration record deportations.

9:49 Kamala criticizes Obama administration on deporting non-criminal undocumented immigrants.

9:50 China questions. Bennet wants to talk about Russia instead. Or immigration. Or the Holocaust. Anything but China.

9:52 Oh let’s ask the Asian guy about China. Says Russia is “laughing their asses off” at us for getting away with interfering in our election. Opposes tariffs.

9:53 Mayor Pete is way too intellectual for this. I can’t even follow his answer on China. Something about tariffs are bad, dishwashers will cost $800 more, what does America stand for? I don’t know. I’m distracted by his sweaty lip. I would have expected the gay guy to have someone doing his makeup.

Whew. Halftime. Rachel and Chuck are subbing in.

Andrew Yang in Hour 2

10:00 Rachel goes for Mayor Pete’s jugular on the police shooting in South Bend. Kudos for saying “I didn’t get it done” on integrating the police force and racial justice.

10:02 Swalwell goes after Buttigieg for not firing police chief. Hickenlooper also going for him. Williamson interrupts to talk about reparations. Kamala says as only black person on stage she gets to talk. She goes after Biden for his comments about segregationists as hurtful and his record against busing with a personal anecdote.

10:05 Biden is pissed. Kamala won’t let his busing record go. He cuts himself off for going overtime. The only person who won that exchange is Bernie.

10:09 Gillibrand: “Nobody puts Baby in the corner!” Let me speak!

10:11 Bennet piles on Biden with blaming him for Citizens United and the court upholding gerrymandering. Good idea to bring up courts, but odd to blame Biden for it.

10:12 Biden yelling again. I thought Bernie would be the yeller but he looks as jolly as Santa on this stage.

Baby wants to speak!!!

10:14 Rachel wants to ask Bernie about Roe v. Wade. Vows to only appoint judges who will uphold it. Does not believe in court packing, but wants to rotate judges to other courts. Interesting idea.

Baby jumps in again. She is a bit too intense.

Climate change!

10:19 Harris turns a climate change question into a rant about Putin and Kim Jong Un. Sorry, too big of an issue to duck the question.

10:20 Pete talking about soil management zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

10:21 Mr. Hooper mentions again he is a scientist. Socialism is not the climate solution. Wants to work with oil and gas industries. I want him voted off the island.

10:23 Biden getting tired. He is slurring all over this answer. Wants all electric cars by 2030. Rejoin Paris Treaty. Starting to yell again.

10:24 Bernie says “old ways” no longer work. That’s you Joe.

10:25 Swalwell yelling again that we need to “pass the torch” to have progress. Williamson jumps in with weird answer about JFK and the moon.

Biden’s first agenda item as president would be to defeat Donald Trump??? Ok.

Commercial break. Into the homestretch. This is just a weird debate. I think night one had way more serious contenders. Half of these people need to go, tomorrow.

Bernie gets my first impression rose. Not being annoying, not getting dragged off message. Mayor Pete might get the first one on one date.

Guns.

10:34 I appreciate Swalwell’s position on guns, but he lost me with his other answers tonight. Chris Murphy would have been a much better candidate.

10:35 Bernie argues Rachel is mischaracterizing his record on guns. Says he has a record of voting to ban assault weapons and has a D- rating from NRA. Swalwell challenged him to buyback assault weapons.

10:37 Harris focuses on background checks. Says she will ban importation of assault weapons. More anecdotes, but not sure what that does about guns manufactured in the US.

10:38 Question to Pete. Military weapons don’t belong on the streets.

10:40 Folks! Drink! Oh, it’s empty. Joe talking about his voting record from 20 years ago.

I want whatever drugs Marianne Williamson is on.

My apologies for the lack of humor tonight but these people are really annoying. I can’t make fun of annoying.

10:45 Bernie finally goes after Biden for his Iraq vote. Biden is clearly frustrated. He should have rested on his laurels because he is sure sounding like the Ghost of Christmas Past and I don’t think the party is looking at his Senate & VP days all that fondly.

Closings.

Marianne Williamson will defeat Trump with love. There you go.

Mr. Hooper warns against the evils of socialism.

Baby has a false start and has to start over. I think she exaggerates her record.

Harris tries to out-Beto Beto and channel Warren. I think she should have closed in Spanish. Plugs her website.

Pete gives a powerful close.

Someone caught snickering in mic over Bernie’s closing. Wall Street, drink!

Biden tries to inspire, semi-yells again.

Winners: Mayor Pete, Bernie.

Losers: Williamson, Yang, Swalwell, Hickenlooper, Bennet.

Hung Jury: Biden, Kamala and Gillibrand. Had some positive moments, but a lot of negatives too.

Whew. That was tedious. Sorry it was not very funny. That was just not entertaining or informative. Curious what the memes will be tomorrow. Let’s hope about 8 of these people are gone by August.

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