Back by popular demand of three of my loyal followers. In the words of Marvin Gaye….let’s get it on. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if Cory Booker unbuttoned his shirt and started singing that. He needs some media attention.
So, who’s up first? I can’t even keep track of them all and I’ve been watching the MSNBC pregame show for 2 hours already. Here’s my introduction to the kid’s table tonight:
Bill DeBlasio: No.
Cory Booker: Needs a breakthrough night. Has to walk a fine line between looking like a desperate stalker for votes and somebody more credible than just the guy who dates Rosario Dawson. Has a tendency to get bug-eyed and yell for no reason.
Julian Castro: Apparently there is supposed to be an accent over the “a” but I can’t figure out how to do that. I like him, he’s very Zen. But also appears to be a guy Trump will stuff in a locker if he doesn’t fork over his lunch money.
John Delaney: No clue who this guy is, but I know he doesn’t support Medicare for All and is an austerity candidate, so he won’t last long enough for me to figure out who he is.
Tulsi Gabbard: Hawaiian war vet. Has a tendency to wear a lei, so we’ll see if she does that to stand out. She backed Bernie last time, so I expect her to be a little less preachy than Warren but with similar policies.
Amy Klobuchar: I’m hoping to see the Amy that interrogated Brett Kavanaugh. I don’t think she will make much of an impact tonight trying to out-wonk Warren. Looks like she might bring a nice noodle casserole to win voters over.
Elizabeth Warren: I hope she brings her puppy with her because that might seal the deal for her.
Jay Inslee: He will be the big white guy on stage. Nobody knows him, but he’s my dark horse candidate. Climate change is his issue, so expect to hear a lot about how we are all going to drown in 4 years. Also tends to wear glasses to make himself look more serious (shoutout to Rick Perry).
Tim Ryan: I don’t like him. He looks shady to me, although it could just be that I don’t trust any Midwestern politician with the last name Ryan.
Beto O’Rourke: Will gesticulate wildly and potentially poke Warren in the eye. Chug your beer if that happens.
I was torn between watching the season finale of The Amazing Race or this, so it better be entertaining. Also, I only have a small Sangria-in-a-box, so if things get boring or if Warren says “I got a plan for that” more than 20 times I may run out of alcohol.
Whoever designed this backdrop should be shot. It looks like a bad school play and Beto is playing Abe Lincoln.
Fashion comments: Kudos to Warren for the bold purple jacket. Beto is wearing a tie from the Trump collection (don’t hide your jewels under a bushel basket!!). I can’t see who wins the biggest flag pin prize.
9:02 Plans! Drink!
9:05 Amy scores the first blue collar family reference.
9:06 This is like speed debating. Beto gets the trick question he isn’t ready for. He opts to confuse people by answering in Spanish. Booker caught snickering.
9:09 Booker starts strong. I think his makeup is uneven though.
9:10 I think “corruption” is the buzzword of the night. Drink!
9:11 Castro plays the single mom card. ERA woot!
9:12 Gabbard the first candidate to use her time to give her stump speech. Love the bold hair highlights though.
9:14 DeBlasio plays the progressive card. Good opening statement.
9:15 Delaney makes me want to punch him in the face. I don’t trust a businessman to run this country.
9:16 Inslee opted to not wear the glasses. He plays the Union card. “Wind turbines don’t cause cancer they cause jobs.” Excellent writing for that sound bite.
9:17 Ryan has beady eyes. He’s a bit angry. Goes for the auto worker vote.
This is tiring. Only Warren and DeBlasio back Medicare for all.
9:20 Klobuchar goes all folksy “All foam no beer.” Pass that noodle casserole.
9:22 Warren is killing it with that health care answer.
9:23 Beto tells sad constituent story. Seems to be reverting to his Senate stump speech. OOOH! DeBlasio interrupts to attack him on private insurance. RUMBLE! Now Delaney jumps in to defend private insurance and claims that hospitals would lose money. Who invited him?
9:25 Gabbard plays both sides. Inslee raises his hand politely and Lester Holt ignores him.
9:26 Inslee raises hand again and is ignored. Warren just shouts out her points. Moderators losing control.
9:28 Inslee jumps in for abortion rights. He sounds like a drill sergeant. Or football coach, since he’s throwing sports metaphors.
9:30 Castro has some rowdy supporters. First reference to trans rights.
9:32 Every time Beto gets a question he gives a dramatic reading of his talking points. “Alas, poor Yorick….”
Break. Finally. I already drank half my sangria and it’s only 1/4 in to these shenanigans.
9:38 Whoa! Pee break and almost missed the Espanol-off between Castro, Cory & Beto Streep.
9:39 I hope Castro asks Beto what section 1325 of the Immigration act is.
9:40 Is Tim Ryan still there? Damn, DeBlasio is doing really well.
9:41 Beto is cheating answering everything in Spanish so we can’t tell he doesn’t say anything substantive.
9:42 Spoke too soon! Castro did ask him.
9:39 When do they start comparing hand size? Is that in the lightning round?
9:45 Klobuchar’s hair looks like a brown football helmet. (Steel Magnolias reference.)
9:46 Ryan sighting. He is an angry man. “Kids lying in snot.” Not very presidential.
9:47 Booker has mastered the answer with a smile move.
9:48 Inslee pivots to Washington state record. Says “heinous” weird.
9:50 Delaney’s family immigrant story cut off by Lester. Iran up next.
9:53 Tulsi with the warning of the costs of war with Iran. Calls out Bolton and Pompeo as chickenhawks.
Commercial. Sangria supplies dwindling. We need some more fighting.
Any of these people would be better than Trump. Well not you, Delaney.
Tag in Rachel Maddow and Sleepy Chuck Todd. Guns.
10:00 Shocking Warren gets first question. There’s some weird background noise going on. Cut to commercial again.
10:06 BACK ON! That was a lot of commercials.
10:07 “7 children will die today from gun violence.” That’s a good response Liz.
10:08 Booker mentions Newark again. Drink!
10:11 Ryan still there. Realizes he needs to just start shouting out to interrupt.
10:14 Klobuchar cringed because she didn’t like the question on gun buybacks. I don’t like her answer basically saying Sandy Hook moms couldn’t make a difference but Parkland teens did. Hmm.
10:15 Booker giving a shoutout to CT assault weapon ban. Also kudos for plugging Dem candidate in SC.
Maddow shouts down Delaney. He’s a whiny man.
10:17 DeBlasio mentions his black son and that he’s the only one to have the conversation with his son about dealing with police. Ummm I think Booker knows something about racial profiling and police brutality.
10:19 MSNBC so desperate to cut into Bernie’s support they are just giving Warren the floor. Now she’s channeling Ted Kennedy “the fight goes on.”
10:22 Climate Change. Softball to Inslee.
10:23 Beto Streep rambles about “funding resiliency.” Not sure what that is about.
10:27 Ryan gets question about carbon tax and looks like a deer in headlights. Decides to answer that coastal elites of Democratic party (like those who will be underwater by climate change.) Thinks party needs to be more working class to “kick Lindsey Graham’s butt.”
10:33 Is Warren still there? Haven’t seen her in 3 minutes.
Viewer questions? WTF is this?
10:36 DeBlasio is just going after Beto on War Powers Act. Beto is getting soundly beaten tonight.
10:37 Ryan will somehow turn war question to auto plants in Ohio. And there it is!
10:40 Ryan is stupid enough to attack Gabbard on war. Says the Taliban attacked us on 9/11 and gets smacked down HARD.
10:41 Inslee scores with “Donald Trump is greatest threat to the United States.”
10:43 Beto answers question about Trump crimes with a dramatic soliloquy on a painting of George Washington. I think I saw a tear fall down his cheek.
Commercial break. Whew. Warren has gotten the shaft in the second hour. I think Ryan is getting voted off the island.
Out of sangria. Time to wrap this up.
I wonder if this debate is more interesting on Telemundo?
Ok readers. We survived. Not the bloodbath the Republicans had in 2015 but I feel a little more hopeful to hear something other than dumbass tweets. My assessment:
Winners: Booker, Castro, Warren, Gabbard.
Losers: Ryan, Delaney, Klobuchar, Beto.
Hung Jury (not like that, you perverts): Inslee, DeBlasio.
I need to restock my wine for tomorrow. It may require a bottle for that drinking game.