Greetings my dear apostles! I say that because there are 12 of you who actually read my blog. On the other hand, it is Good Friday and that is probably a bit blasphemous. At least I didn’t make the joke about one of you plotting to kill me.
So where have I been? Stressed out at work? Writing the sequel to my screenplay? On a sex tour of Scandinavia? Held prisoner in a secret CIA prison? Nope. I’ve been prepping for Armageddon. But I’m way organized than Ben Affleck and Steve Buscemi.
I’ve been stockpiling boxed wine, pickled herring and Twinkies (sorry for the shortage). Oh, and AR-15’s, 62 handguns, a box of vintage WW2 grenades, a 3D printed shoulder-fired missile launcher, 3 muskets, and a gross of Chinese throwing stars. Because my God-given right as a ‘Murican is to arm myself to defend against my government. When North Korea nukes us and there is mass chaos and food shortages and the government mobilizes to steal all the property of the little people, I’ll be waiting. I live in an “ethnic” neighborhood. If I go kneel in the middle of the street, we are Ground Fucking Zero for “detention centers.”
This assumes I survive the nuclear attack that John Bolton and his shag carpet mustache is going to rain down on us like Dr. Strangelove riding a fucking missile. Lucky for me I got a deal on Amazon for enough plastic sheeting and duct tape to cover the house 3 times over, so Miss Daisy, Bergen & I are set. Thanks for that helpful tip, Department of Homeland Security! See here–It’s true! It’s old advice, but I don’t trust the current administration’s advice since they don’t believe in science. Trump stared directly at the solar eclipse, remember? It’s certainly safer than hiding under my work desk and putting a legal dictionary over my head to protect my brain from nuclear fallout.
Maybe the rest of you suckers are too wrapped up in the start of baseball season and wondering if the Yankees will suck this season, or questioning why Grey’s Anatomy has become so annoying, or pondering when Kentucky Fried Chicken commercials jumped the shark and became more creepy than the Burger King. But I watch CSPAN and see the signs. (1) Maybe we will be in a nuclear war. (2) Or we invade every country in the Middle East and fuel terrorist groups more powerful than ISIS or Al Qaeda. (3) Or Nazis will fill our streets and shoot everyone to take our property to give it to creepy horror movie ghost boy/waste of oxygen Jared Fucking Kushner ‘s family. (4) Or Drumpf appoints the Real Housewives to the Supreme Court and we lose the will to live. Anyway you look at it, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Mike Pence, Mitch McConnell, Paul Ryan, and Carrot Top) are on the horizon and I, for one, am not going down without a fight. I’ll be here with my Spam and herring casserole cooked over a fire of my enemies I hunted with my 3D printed shoulder-fired missile launcher. You know who you are, and you can’t escape me. I read “Lord of the Flies.” I know how this ends.
On a lighter note, how do you like the blog revamp? I decided it’s been 3 years, and if I can’t have sex, I can substitute wine and a pretty blog. Maybe it will inspire me to start writing again. I know…I still owe you some posts of my adventures in Vienna, Prague & Budapest.