Liveblogging the first debate / praying for a meteor strike

Against my better judgment I am going to attempt to liveblog the first Clinton-Trump debate. Anything short of a folding chair getting smashed over Lester Holt’s head will be terribly disappointing.

8:55 Bill Clinton managed to avoid staring at Melania’s cleavage. I’m impressed. But the camera cut away from Ivanka, so he may have snuck in an ass grab. Not sure.

8:58 Anyone want to wager if Drumpf says something racist to Lester?

I started a diet today and am only allowing myself one pint of weird Icelandic moss and kelp beer. Appropriately bitter for the sneak peek at the demise of the republic. But if I run out of alcohol to make this tolerable I may not finish. You won’t care, because you will probably have passed out from a drinking game by then.

I think the second debate should be a Dancing with the Stars dance-off. At this point I’d vote for Ryan Lochte for president.

Why the concern with fact checking Trump when Hillary polls as the least trustworthy candidate in the history of polling?

Here we go. I’m guessing she wears an ugly pantsuit.

9:06 I was wrong. She’s wearing a Santa suit sans hat.

9:10 Is Donald less orange today, or it just in comparison to her suit?

9:12 Where is Hillary’s flag pin? She doesn’t love America because it isn’t great anymore.

9:13 Hillary bad joke count +1

9:14 Donald’s sniffling is the new Al Gore sighing

9:17 I think Donald is playing a drinking game, and every time she invokes Bush policies he drinks.

9:18 I think instead of live factcheckers the networks should have a picture in picture of Bernie waving his finger when she tells a lie. That was very helpful in the Democratic debates.

9:23 Is Lester even still there or did he pass out already?

9:25 Reagan count: 3. Drink!

9:27 Have we devolved into Parliamentary Question Hour?

9:29 Hillary is not prepared for this debate. She expected a traditional debate and can’t adjust. Her jabs aren’t landing and no one is listening to her spewing facts over him. My mind is numb already.

9:33 Trump’s income is $653 million. And he can’t get implants for his tiny fingers.

9:35 EMAILS! He lasted 31 minutes before mentioning the emails. Willpower there.

9:37 A sigh! I miss Al Gore at this point.

9:39 Trump missed the opening for the foreign Clinton Foundation donors getting favors while she was at State. Amateur.

9:44 I’d rather vote for a honeydew melon at this point.

9:49
bunsen

9:51 Why is he ranting about bringing back Law & Order? Does he realize Jerry Orbach is dead?

9:59 This debate is going to change nothing. He is actually doing well for not knowing anything.

10:02 Why the fuck are we still talking about Obama’s birth certificate? He’s got 3 months left in his term. How is this worth wasting time on?

10:08 Could Lester be trying any harder to prop her up? The Putin hacking question? Still no mention of Syria with 20 minutes to go. I don’t care that they hacked the DNC.

10:10 Sorry for the lack of jokes. My will to live is gone.

10:11 I give Trump props for saying Bernie was given a raw deal. #stillbernieorbust

10:12 But Trump just lost the 400 lb. computer geek vote. And every time he talks about “the cyber” I think he means something dirty.

10:14 I’m very disappointed Trump hasn’t pulled out a strobe light to try and induce her to have a seizure on stage.

10:17 Can we bring back the guillotine and have a revolution? This shit has clearly stopped working if this is the best we can come up with.

10:21 I guarantee this is the first Howard Stern reference ever in a presidential debate.

10:23 Why have we spent 2 minutes talking about Sean Hannity? Is he still on the teevee?

10:28 Blah blah blah. Still talking.

10:32 Beer is done. So is hope. Maybe I won’t come back from Iceland.

Thanks for reading. Sorry it wasn’t very exciting, but if you watched this crapfest you know I had nothing to work with.

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