I’ve been on the South Beach Diet since 2014. Oh wait, no, it’s been 6 days. Zero alcohol, zero carbs. It’s difficult to be funny when I’m this cranky. And I don’t know what to do with all the time I used to spend drinking wine.
Out of total boredom, I decided to go back to online dating. Only this time I’m not going to take it seriously, writing an honest profile about who I am and what I’m looking for. As I’ve learned, most men on dating sites seem to think that comes across as conceited and elitist and makes me a bitch. After a dozen of those messages, I usually get frustrated and delete the profile because clearly my soul mate is not online. It could be that they don’t have internet yet in his village in Lapland.
This time is different though. I’m approaching it in the same manner as when you apply for a job you don’t really want, and then when you basically tell them you’re just not into them, they offer you the job and a bonus. This time, I wrote a profile that has that same feeling. Let me know what you think….
“I can’t believe it’s 2016 and I still don’t have a partner for the inevitable zombie apocalypse. Especially if Drumpf is elected, I’m really running out of time. If you aren’t particularly skilled in fighting zombies, but would be my partner on The Amazing Race, that works too.
A little about me: I’m not very girly, unless it comes to spiders. But I don’t believe in killing them, so you would be expected to catch and relocate them to a safe area. I won’t wear pink because it makes me feel like I spilled Pepto-Bismol on myself. I don’t order a salad and pretend to enjoy it. Lettuce is a bit like eating air, and if I need to drown it in French dressing to make it taste like something then I may as well just drink the dressing.
I’m not a big music person. I can’t name one Taylor Swift song. I think this is a good thing. So my ipod is a strange collection of 80s one hit wonders, Tom Jones, Irish drinking songs, country music before it was ruined, and sea shanties. I won’t make you listen to it. You will have to listen to ABBA though. But that’s not being girly, that’s just having an appreciation for Sweden, like shopping at IKEA (which you will also have to do and assemble furniture with cartoon instructions and a tiny allen wrench).
I’m a big sports fan, in case you couldn’t tell. But only cold weather sports, like hockey, curling, Premier League football (yes I call it football, because I like to pretend I’m European.) And tennis. I don’t play sports however, as a result of a traumatic gym class incident in 4th grade and being born with no hand-eye coordination. I overcome it though with a really nice smile.
I’d really love to do more traveling at this point in my life. There’s a lot of Europe I haven’t seen yet. I’m not one to sit still on a beach, and I think that’s why I look younger than my age (SPF2000). When I travel I like to get lost in the culture, history or natural wonders. Just think how cozy it would be to stay in an ice hotel under the Northern Lights. I can make an insulated parka sexy, I promise.
In my spare time I like to write. I recently finished a screenplay that is taking way too long to edit. I have a blog, which is entirely inappropriate and has 12 followers. My goal for this year is to double my followers, but I’m not sure I could pay that many people to read it. If I had to describe my writing, it is somewhat of a cross between David Sedaris and Chelsea Handler. So no, I will not become a multi-millionaire best-selling author or screenwriter. Although I suppose if the Fifty Shades trilogy could sell zillions of copies and Ben Affleck can win an Oscar for Good Will Hunting, lightning may strike. But with my luck I’d get struck by lightning, probably for setting foot in church.
As for what I’m looking for? Good dental hygiene is important. Hygiene in general. I’m a treehugger (my favorites are silver maples), so I clearly don’t do well with staunch Republicans. (Save the hate emails, I’m just being honest.) Same goes with hunters, since I’m trying to become vegetarian. I do ask that you be emotionally done with your last relationship. Really done, and not still bitter, or not trusting, or still have your ex on your phone or stalk her on Facebook. Other than that, I don’t have a particular type, but it comes down to a spark and you can’t fake that. You shouldn’t fake anything either ;)”