All fears are not created equal

Vampires are not sexy. Vampires keep me up at night.

I don’t understand the whole “Twilight” phenomenon. I recognize that being 29, I’m older than the target demographic. But I know many women my age that read all the books and actually cared what “Team” they were on, like we are in vampire high school. I could possibly, for 30 seconds, understand the appeal of “True Blood”. But then I remember they are vampires, and turn it off.

Confession time: I am still, at 29, afraid of vampires. I think bats are cute, as I’ve caught and released two in the house in the last year. But fruit bats are different than vampires.

I’m not sure where the fear came from. Being the youngest of five kids, by many years, I’m sure someone traumatized me at a young age. I still remember this tv ad for a haunted house in New York state. It would run after school, during “Magic Garden”, and showed a guy in a lame vampire costume eating a spider. EVERY DAMN DAY from September to November.   And that scared the shit out of me.

For many years, I slept with my bed up against the wall and slept with my back against it, so no vampires could sneak up on me from behind. It was very practical, but annoyed the hell out of my sisters in the next room when I would bang my head against the wall several times a night. I stopped doing that years ago, mostly because I wouldn’t mind Van Helsing surprising me from behind, but there’s a world of difference between Hugh Jackman and Robert Pattinson. Puberty, for one thing.

If anyone else suffers from a fear of vampires, I have another tip. Wrapping oneself up like a mummy in your sheet will also protect you. One advantage to mummification is it serves the dual goal of making sure your foot doesn’t accidentally hang over the edge where any demon/ghost/vampire could grab it. Secondly, it is a well-known fact that keeping a sheet tucked up under your chin is like vampire Kevlar.   And I’m living proof that it works.

The irony of having a fear of vampires is that I have adopted a vampire lifestyle. I’m quite pale, almost translucent. I hide when the sun is out. I don’t turn on lights. I drink red wine…close enough. I dress in black most of the time. Holy water may cause me to melt. Garlic breath repels me, although onions are way more effective. I like Eastern Europe. I dislike Taylor Swift. Perhaps this fear is the manifestation of some deep-seeded insecurity.

Or vampires are real. I’ll never know because of my foolproof vampire repellant techniques. Now if only I can find a man to save me from the zombie apocalypse we could rule the world when the rest of you suckers are killed.

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