What happened to you, David Schwimmer?

I grew up with a healthy distrust of the Establishment.   I suppose that when you are a political science major, you learn how the sausage is made and that it’s best not to eat it. It may also make you vegan.

The recent miniseries about the O.J. Simpson story is a perfect example. I haven’t actually been able to watch it, because I am traumatized at the idea of David Schwimmer as a Kardashian. I used to like Ross…why go to the dark side? I still maintain that O.J. is innocent, and took the fall for his son. I believe O.J. was framed, because he played for the Buffalo Bills, and nothing good ever happened in Buffalo. That city is cursed. (See the many references to my ex-husband.) A few years back, a book came out validating my theory, and oddly enough I didn’t get any royalties from it.

Lee Harvey Oswald? Also framed. Although most assassins and mass shooters seem to have two first names and bad haircuts, in this scenario those aren’t indicators of guilt. I was in college when “JFK” came out, and being a Kennedy buff, I watched it and read all kinds of material on the subject, so I was not swayed by Kevin Costner’s bad acting. There was someone on the grassy knoll that day, but I disagree with the recent theories that it was Barack Obama. Come on….a two-year-old could not have made that shot. Maybe a two-year-old born in Alabama, but we all know they didn’t have rifles like that in Kenya.

But not all conspiracy theories are created equally. Ones I believe in are credible. If you believe in the other ones, you are automatically on The List of Men I Will Not Date.

For example, poor old Psycho J tried to convince me 9/11 was staged by the CIA and/or Donald Rumsfeld. This was from a former military guy who was in active duty in the Persian Gulf shortly thereafter. Donald Rumsfeld I would believe would manufacture a horrific event, but no, the government did not blow up the World Trade Center and Pentagon to get us into war. They already had that evidence manufactured with those grainy photos of weapons of mass destruction strapped to camels.

Area 51 is a gray area. Part of me understands there is more than life on this planet. I believe in psychics and mediums, so I get there are things we can’t see that are out in the great ether. We can land droney things on Mars, so what is to say there isn’t some alien trying to land here. But here is why I discount it….Why the fuck would you land in New Mexico unless you were lost and didn’t ask for directions? If aliens exist, isn’t there something more exciting happening on Neptune? I would go to Neptune. I tend to think guys who believe in alien landings and coverups are a little too fascinated with Star Trek and Doctor Who. Also not my dating demographic. Reality is scary enough, I don’t need to invent the Great Gazoo to scare the hell out of me. I don’t sleep well at night worried about zombies and gluten.

But the one conspiracy that is totally disqualifying is the theory that Sandy Hook never happened and those kids and teachers are still alive. If you believe the government faked that horror, then you need to take your tin foil hat and go sit in your Doomsday bunker waiting for the End of Days. Or move to Florida so we can keep you all in one place I will never, ever visit.

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