Disclaimer: I am about to ruin the beloved Christmas cartoon of your childhood.
Like many people, I believe it is not the holiday season without watching “Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer”. Now I admit to being a little cynical 88% of the time. The exception is when it comes to Christmas. I’m all about nostalgic traditions. But in 1998 Christmas was forever changed. I was in my second year of law school with a bunch of hippies set on saving the planet. (Detailed here.) I also had developed a jaded lawyer brain, immediately suspicious of everyone’s motives. My eyes were opened to social injustice, and there was no going back. Santa became “The Man.”
Allow me to explain…
[This isn’t quite a live blog, because I’m can’t type, drink, and check the counter. Also I didn’t think of it in time to start the post before 8:00. Just pretend you’re reading it live.]
Dramatic open. Massive snowstorm! Panic! Climate change! Mankind has ruined Christmas! Christmas will be cancelled because Americans discovered ozone depleting aerosol cans of Aqua Net for all those bouffant hairstyles.
I have no issue with Burl Ives. My grandfather loved Burl Ives. I feel warm and fuzzy.
Awww…playful Christmas seals. About to be clubbed by Canadians despite being friendly and well-trained.
Why is Mrs. Claus force feeding Santa gray clumps? Is it seal flipper? I wouldn’t eat that either, Santa. No wonder you’re losing weight.
Mrs. Donner says they have to “overlook” Rudolph’s birth defect. Maybe it’s your fault, Mrs. Donner. Maybe you shouldn’t have kept drinking while pregnant.
I’m beginning to wonder if the red nose is a metaphor for being gay. Donner wants to keep him in the closet/cave.
Why did they make Herbie wear lipstick? None of the other elves are wearing lipstick. And he has Flock of Seagulls hair. What’s up with that? Why don’t you just make him a drag queen dentist?
Donner is an abusive father. I hope the Bumble eats him.
Why doesn’t anyone question why Fireball has Donald Trump hair?
The female elves are identical. Santa’s village is a Stepford community. Either that or there’s a lot of elf incest going on.
Why does Mrs. Claus call Santa “Papa” if they have no kids? Does she have a daddy complex?
Reindeer games give me bad flashbacks to grammar school gym class. Way to mock the uncoordinated kids.
Clarice, why the Kardashian lashes? You’re supposed to be sweet and likeable.
Santa rejects Rudolph because he is different. Judgmental bastard. Putting appearance over skill. He’s like the boss who rewards the guy who sucks up to management but secretly spends all day watching porn on his computer.
Comet bans Rudolph from reindeer games. What a bully. Why doesn’t Donner kick his ass? Aren’t they co-workers?
I think Clarice wants to date Rudolph to piss off her parents. She’s nuzzling him pretty quickly. Hussy.
Look at the cracks in the glaciers. See? Rankin & Bass knew climate change was real back in the 50s.
The Abominable Snowmonster. Let’s teach kids to fear the scary indigenous people.
Yukon Cornelius. The worst. Abusing those tiny dogs with a whip, when they are clearly too small to be pulling his fat ass. Plus he’s pillaging the North Pole of natural resources. Even Burl Ives said that all he thinks about is silver and gold. How many tiny dogs must die for your blood silver, Cornelius?? Again with the whip. Then he tries to drown the Bumble. Sadistic fuck.
Oh, you feel guilty Donner, now that you drove your kid to run away? And what’s this “NO, THIS IS MAN’S WORK” bullshit. So you’re a sexist pig on top of being abusive, judgmental? Vixen just moved up on my list of favorite reindeer.
A flying lion? Somewhere a dentist in Minnesota is planning a hunting trip to the Island of Misfit Toys.
A water pistol that shoots jelly sounds kind of awesome.
King Moonracer sounds a bit like he’s building a cult, plucking social misfits from around the world to live on his island where he is supreme ruler.
Even adult polar bears discriminate? Wtf is this teaching kids about society?
The shot of the Bumble threatening to eat Clarice is seriously traumatic! They talk about violent video games messing with kids’ heads, what about that? I used to cry every year.
Cornelius orders Herbie to bend over and squeal like a pig. Seriously? This is for children?
Then they mutilate the indigenous creature and enslave him to assist with the manufacturing of cheap toys. Christmas Town is like Bangladesh apparently.
Oh, so when Santa needs a favor from Rudolph, suddenly he is the greatest thing since sliced bread. And you’re supposed to think the fat, grumpy, judgmental guy is jolly and altruistic? I call bullshit. You’re exploiting Rudolph.
And what’s with giving all the misfit toys umbrella parachutes, except for the bird that can’t fly? That sucker is going to plummet to its death. Animal cruelty! You should be in jail, Santa.
I keep waiting for the sequel, when Rudolph and Herbie create a rival business of building green toys from sustainable forests and drive Santa’s sweatshop out of business. Fight the power!
Maybe that’s my next script.