After signing up for every dating site available, I have concluded that I could create one simple test to save myself from countless bad dates. I thought about turning this into a Facebook quiz, where I ask men to choose the most appealing scene among photos of a windmill, a junkyard, Siberia and a tar pit and analyze his personality accordingly. While amusing for me, I don’t think the results would have been very accurate.
Some people judge men by their shoes. Some by their pants [pleats-free please]. Some by their beer choice. I do all of the above. But I think the most accurate way to assess a man’s personality is to find out his preference for Christmas music. Everyone has a sentimental favorite, and that choice is pretty telling.
Now I consider myself a bit of a Christmas music aficionado. I would totally kick ass at Christmas “Name that Tune”. More important than that, though, I just love Christmas. I’ve always had this bit of a fantasy that my ideal job would be decorating a Christmas shop all year round. My trees put Martha Stewart to shame. Especially when she was in jail. It’s pretty hard to decorate a tree without glass ornaments you can turn into a shiv. But I digress.
I give you my handy guide to determining a guy’s datability based on his favorite Christmas album.
Perry Como: He is a traditionalist. Possibly also Italian. He is an optimistic sort, and prefers his music to be upbeat, with a mild tinge of Catholic guilt (see “Italian mama” above.) Ave Maria. Need I say more. Go Catch a Falling Star and put it in your pocket. I can only take these guys in small doses, like when I need someone to cook a lasagna.
Mariah Carey: Just. What. The. Fuck. No. He is perky. He wears Christmas sweaters. He is probably secretly gay. He ruins Christmas. Hearing this song 10x a day, every day, in every public place makes my ears bleed and wish it was January. These fans need to get together with the people who like Wham! and have their own XM station exclusively playing their crappy music so the rest of us are spared.
Bing Crosby. He is a purist. He’s the kind of guy my mother wants me to date because he has a safe job, smells nice, and has impeccable manners. He likes vanilla sex. Meh…maybe in 5 years I’ll pick you.
Dean Martin. He is a true alcoholic and I need to hang out with him. Dino makes me want to put on a smoking jacket and mix up a whiskey sour. He is also mood music for drunk sex. Hey, it’s cold outside…here have a drink (with a molly) while I start a fire. Come to think of it, I bet Bill Cosby seduced women with the Christmas with Dino album. Who can resist a man in a silk smoking jacket?
Johnny Mathis. See Mariah Carey above. I suspect I am not your type anyway. I will also add Clay Aiken in this category.
Andy Williams. He’s religious. Possibly Mormon. Very uptight. Sure, it’s a classic, but is so bland I have no opinion on it.
Harry Connick, Jr. He has good hair and looks good in a turtleneck Irish fisherman’s sweater. I would have sex with him. Blue Christmas? The only Christmas song that sounds like you should be stripping to it. His Christmas CDs are like the soundtrack for a one-night stand with the really hot guy you saw in Macy’s shopping for his “mother”. And he has three CDs, so that makes for an awesome night…
Michael Buble. The Canadian Harry Connick, Jr. Which means he is more upbeat, but a little pudgier and very polite. There is no steamy sex to this album…Because he is just trying too hard, and that just ends up with chafing.
Nat King Cole. I’m reserving my opinion on this one because it was my ex-husband’s favorite from his college days of working at the Disney Store. Now I know it reminded him of the woman he had an affair with back then and who reappeared a decade later and ruined my marriage. So fuck you Nat. You’re dead to me.
Elvis. Not my glass of wine. (I don’t drink tea.) I’m not a fan of rockabilly, so rockabilly Christmas is like blasphemy to me. He’s probably not the most fit. Possibly has a fetish with younger women. I’m an unabashed Northern liberal elitist, and I just can’t bring myself to date an Elvis fan. Also, peanut butter and banana Yule logs are unacceptable.
If he’s Jewish, I will say I very much enjoy the Barenaked Ladies’ version of Hanukkah! Oh Hanukkah! But it just won’t work. Sure Mom (aka Miss Daisy) tried for a while to get me to date Jews because “they are good to their wives” based on her zero experience of meeting any Jews. But I’m not giving up Christmas for anyone. Sure Jews get the whole month of September off for their holidays, but they really don’t seem like fun holidays. Real holidays don’t involve giving up alcohol. How do you deal with your family without alcohol?
If he doesn’t like Christmas music? Run. He probably kicks puppies. I can understand not liking eggnog. I can understand getting sick of certain songs. But to not have one nostalgic favorite, even when pressed? We will not get along. You may as well be a Colorado Avalanche fan. Red Wings fans can never date Avs fans.
This could be my dating season after all. Maybe I need to hang out in liquor stores and wait for them to play Dino and find the guy singing along…
Did I miss any of the main Christmas crooners? That could be the wine. Feel free to add your thoughts in the comments. And don’t be a schmuck, sign up for my email updates.