Greetings my fellow Americans (and those readers in other countries who are just thankful that these jokers aren’t competing to run your country). Against doctor’s orders, I have my box of wine ready to live blog the second GOP debate. I’m wearing my “Feel the Bern!” t-shirt and cutting into my giant rainbow wedding cake waiting for the big event.
[If you don’t understand how this works, stay on the webpage and it refreshes automatically each time I post or pass out on the keyboard.]
Buckle up, and remember to drink up every time you hear “Benghazi!”
8:05 Class picture. Basically the last hurrah for Rick Santorum.
8:06 I predict Chris Christie will be the next Subway spokesman. He looks down another 30 lbs.
8:07 Grandpa Jeb looking like it’s past his bedtime.
8:08 Is Bradley Cooper playing Gordon Ramsay in a movie?? Commercials looking more interesting than this debacle.
8:10 Marco Rubio caught wiping his sweaty head. He needs water.
8:12 Intros. Rand Paul thinks he’s on Wheel of Fortune.
8:12 Huckleberry says they are the A-Team led by Mr. T. Seriously.
8:13 Ted Cruz somehow neglects to mention he’s Canadian. And rights his fatal error from last time of not wearing an American flag lapel pin.
8:14 Ben Carson sporting the bold gray striped suit. Shouts out to the only woman allowed on stage. Somehow refrains from asking her to fetch him coffee.
8:15 Trump breaks the red tie streak.
8:15 Jeb takes off his jacket and puts on a cardigan and Keds and asks us to be his neighbor.
8:16 Scott Walker. Still meh.
8:16 Carly Fiorina invokes “devil in a blue dress” jokes. Misses her cue to start speaking. Not a strong start. And calls herself a former secretary, not “assistant.”
8:17 John Kasich flew on Air Force One with Reagan. You sir, are no Ronald Reagan.
8:18 Chris Christie has power to order the cameras off him and his giant body.
8:19 Fight Bait #1. Does Carly want Trumps “finger” on the nuclear codes. I don’t want to think of his finger touching anything.
8:20 Trump leads off by saying Rand Paul is #11 and shouldn’t be on the stage.
8:21 Curly Paul says Trump is sophomoric attacking people on their appearance.
8:22 Somehow Paul refrains from accusing Trump of having a Star Trek tribble on his head.
8:23 Still talking about Trump’s fingers. I feel like I want to shower.
8:24 BAM! Scott Walker whips out an Apprentice joke. Slams him on his 4 bankruptcies. Trump claims he never filed bankruptcy, but used the bankruptcy laws 4 times. He’s like David Copperfield.
8:26 Jeb smiles back and forth at Walker/Trump exchange. I think he’s playing with his trolley on the podium….oh is that Mr. McFeeley?
8:27 John Kasich encourages viewers to turn off the tv. Don’t tempt me.
8:28 Now we’re talking about politicians with fingers in the air. The debate has a theme apparently. How about you Republicans keep your hands to yourself and out of my uterus.
8:29 When Ben Carson speaks it’s like Barry White. The man is smooth. He’s seducing me into thinking he’s a sane man.
8:30 Carly says the borders are “insecure”.
8:31 Jeb puts down his hand puppets to answer a question about puppets.
8:32 Jeb claims Trump tried to bribe him to allow casinos in Florida. Trump denies it. A cloud of smoke appears. I think Ted Cruz just disappeared.
8:34 Ben Carson won’t get into bed with special interests or lick anyone’s boots. Finally, a politician who won’t be in a sex scandal.
8:35 Trump says he’d get along with Putin and China. And Mexico. By calling them butchers and rapists apparently. And building a wall between Alaska and Russia. Sorry, Sarah Palin. You’re scenic view is going away.
8:36 Marco Rubio is a puddle of sweat. Surprising the Cuban from Florida can’t handle heat.
8:37 Carly wants to rebuild the missile defense system in Poland and send troops to Germany. Now she’s just name dropping generals.
8:39 Hey! Calgary Ted is still here. Mentions he was solicitor general. I thought he meant of Canada.
8:40 John Kasich looks like he’s been on a bender. Bloodshot eyes.
8:41 Speaking of bloodshot eyes, I need a refill….
8:42 Rand Paul sounding rational. We need diplomacy. Let’s see if Iran complies before we cut up the deal. Split screen showing Walker sweating. Perhaps it’s the hair dye seeping into his pores.
8:44 Huckleberry rants that Iran deal is toilet paper.
8:46 Thanks for coming all you B-listers, we’re back to Trump now to spout nonsense with no basis in reality.
8:47 Rubio says the 3 senators who voted to go after Assad bear no responsibility for it causing refugee crisis.
8:48 Curly Paul acknowledges if we did bomb heavily things would be worse.
8:49 Calgary Ted ignores the question. Calls Ayatollah the “Kah-may-knee.” Ben Carson looks at him with utter contempt.
8:51 Kasich trying to sound like adult in the room. Too bad he looks a little like Gary Busey right now.
8:52 Where are the commercials?? I need wine!!
8:53 Finally!!! A question about gay wedding cakes.
8:53 I can’t, Huckleberry. I need wine for you.
9:04 I’m back. I had to take the Planned Parenthood questions off. I just can’t stomach the lies being spread that have been proven to be untrue. When I had no health insurance I went to Planned Parenthood. I’m sure most women I know went there at one time or other. So fuck you men (and Carly) for trying to cut women’s health care when zero federal dollars go to fund abortions. This is about punishing poor women for political posturing. Plain and simple.
9:07 Trump says Fiorina has a beautiful face. She rolls her eyes. The “whatever” is implied.
9:09 Really?? Another hour?
9:10 Trump still holds the conch shell. Now we’ll talk about immigration.
9:13 Dr. Carson sees Trump’s wall and calls for a double wall. BAM! His pin is glistening. All he needs is Colt 45 and I am in his web of seduction.
9:15 Jeb asks Trump to apologize to his Mexican wife in the audience. Trump refuses because that would mean admitting he’s a dick, so he just wants to look like one. An orange dick. With a tribble on his head.
9:17 Why don’t we ask Rafael Cruz about securing the Canadian border?
9:18 I wish Anderson Cooper was moderating this because I’d like to look at his dreamy eyes.
9:19 Marco Rubio tells his sad immigrant story about his grandpa. Are we seriously arguing about speaking Spanish? Let’s talk about the myth of climate change and how no one is a scientist but scientists are wrong.
9:21 Dr. Ben you’re losing me on this topic. Maybe you aren’t my first…my last…my everything…
9:22 Can we bring back Lindsey “Shecky” Graham from the happy hour debate? I need some jokes to stay awake.
9:23 Calgary Ted is making my ears shut down. I think he’s reading Green Eggs and Ham.
9:26 I love how the birthright citizenship topic is not directed to the Canadian on stage.
9:27 Carly hints that the Kenyan wouldn’t solve immigration, did nothing. Even though he has deported more illegal immigrants than any other president.
9:28 I think Kasich passed out. Or that side of the stage with Christie collapsed.
9:28 In talking over the moderators constantly Fiorina is giving the impression of a woman who talks and talks and never listens.
9:29 Rand Paul is subtly suggesting that the law never decided that Calgary Ted is a legal citizen because he was not under the control of the US when he was born.
9:30 Hewlett Packard made lots of money. Why isn’t this considered a free commercial for HP? Carly namedropping Steve Jobs. I sense this is a paid ad for the movie. She’s annoying me now.
9:31 Trump calls her one of the top 20 worst CEOs ever. He’s sweating profusely. Carly is not sweating. She must have learned the Botox trick from John Kerry.
9:33 I’ve just decided to endorse Ol’ Handsome Joe Biden. He smiles. He’s funny. He’s likeable. He’s my secret crush. These people make me hate America.
9:34 Christie just sealed his fate by telling Carly she doesn’t shut up. You had one good jab and then you overplayed it.
9:35 This opens a spot for the next debate. LINDSEY GRAHAM…COME ON DOWN!!!! You’re the next contestant on The Price is Right (if you’re on Wall Street).
9:38 Huckleberry is still here! Let’s get rid of all taxes! Everybody open up a church and call yourself a pastor!
9:39 Trump smiling at Carson because he’s friendly with the black folk. They shine his shoes.
9:40 Carson almost calls Huckabee “Doctor”. He’s a fake evangelist, why not be a fake doctor.
9:42 Discussing taxes. My eyes glazing over. Need a refill.
9:43 Oooh there’s a 50% off flash sale at Ann Taylor Loft.com tonight…
9:44 Even the moderators think Scott Walker is a douche.
9:46 Kasich throwing out meaningless statistics. I may throw my support to Kasich/Busey. Hillary won’t beat him in Ohio.
9:47 Nothing is more offensive than calling a woman “Mrs.” Carly. She is her own person. Carly claims Hillary has zero accomplishments. Zero. Really?
9:47 Christie calling for Hillary’s prosecution. If you want that, put her in line behind Dick Cheney.
9:48 Wine break!!! How the fuck long is this thing???
9:50 hiwerygtiouqegtiuhegbkerb m,db m,adb kajhfkWEYRFKuwefuiyiasfkahscvbkdbkjadnael;fujoriweiuhf
9:51 OMFG THERE’S ANOTHER HOUR??????????????????
9:53 Must be drunk because Rubio said a North Korean lunatic is building artificial islands and blah blah blah….I think he used his blotting papers because his shiny forehead is quite matte.
9:55 Trump says Rubio has the worst absentee voting record in the Senate. Rubio responds by sweating.
9:57 Jeb wants to rebuild military. Neglects to mention that young Americans are like “fuck this, I’m playing Xbox and becoming a YouTube star.”
9:59 Fred Bush says his motto will be “Peace through Strength” aka “Compassionate Conservatism.”
10:00 Trump says he was the only one on stage against Iraq War. Won’t let Curly Paul speak because he only has 1% support.
10:01 Oh snap! Trump says Dubya administration so bad Lincoln couldn’t be elected, so we got Obama. Jeb invokes the megaphone moment at Ground Zero. Crowd cheers. Trump says he doesn’t feel safe. Walker decides to run for Jeb’s VP by defending Bush administration.
10:10 Blah blah blah
10:11 Christie blathering on about 9/11 because he was close to Ground Zero, so that makes him a strong leader. Dr. Ben calls him stupid and says you need to use intellect in diplomacy. Says the Air Force is incompetent and Marine Corps is not ready. Methinks the military will not take well to Barry White’s seductive dulcet tones.
10:12 When Huckleberry speaks I feel like I’m watching a 3 am conspiracy theory infomercial. Ironically he suggests Obama is stupid. Jake Tapper talks over Carly, because she’s an obnoxious woman who talks and talks and talks….
10:17 Losing focus. Don’t these debate organizers know that people only watch this for the drinking games? And will all the references to Hillary, Benghazi and illegals those viewers are wasted?
10:18 Carly just spouts off 25 statistics and is shut down. Now she sounds like a desperate woman who crammed for the bar exam and is hoping to get points for spouting as many topics as she can in an essay.
10:19 Calgary Ted has known Chief Justice John Roberts for 20 years. You are no John Roberts. In other words, a good lawyer who defends the Constitution.
10:22 Oh fuck, Huckleberry. I think in the first trimester it’s a blob of tissue. That’s the law. This isn’t Saudi Arabia, it’s America. I’m not wearing a fucking burqa.
10:26 Where were all the commercial breaks in the first hour when I needed to drink? This is like Dancing with the Stars. Now I want to see Rand Paul foxtrot. I think by 2020 the presidential election will totally be a reality show. I guess it should be Survivor, but I’d rather vote for the candidate with the better Lindy Hop.
10:28 5 hours into Republican debates and still not one question about climate change, but let’s debate marijuana legalization.
10:30 Stop the presses! Jeb just admitted to smoking pot in high school.In 1872.
10:32 I think Jeb just called Curly Paul “Raymond”.
10:34 Curly Paul debating Christie over a mom in Colorado using cannabis oil for seizures. I’d be sympathetic if Christie wasn’t a douche saying the only woman on stage blabbers on and on. Even if she is obnoxious and talks over anyone.
10:35 Carly plays the sympathy card and her child who died from drug abuse and says today’s drugs aren’t what Mr. Rogers smoked 40 years ago. Crowd chuckles. I feel for you, but just say no doesn’t cut it anymore, Carly.
10:38 Marco Polo says criminals don’t follow laws. Well. He’s brilliant.
10:40 Dear Canada, I will trade you Calgary Rafael Cruz and a bag of hockey pucks in exchange for Justin Bieber and future considerations.
10:42 Rubio says Reagan was left wing and his climate change opinions were wrong. Good luck with that.
10:43 Christie’s turn. Christie says government intervention not necessary. Hmmm….tell that to the Sandy victims in your state who still have not be reimbursed, and the next ones that will be affected by then NEXT big hurricane, which is inevitable.
10:45 From the man who hugged President Obama after Hurricane Sandy. Oh, but no time to discuss climate change for anyone else, other than Scott Walker, from a landlocked state not affected by natural disasters.
10:46 Calgary Ted begs to be called a climate skeptic, Jake Tapper says go back to Canada.
10:47 New topic to Dr. Ben, do vaccines cause autism? Because Jenny McCarthy is writing the debate questions.
10:49 Dr. Ben says vaccines don’t cause autism, because Donald says so. Then says that we are giving too high doses too close together.
10:5o Now we’re getting a second opinion from dentist Curly Paul who said Martha Washington didn’t approve of them. So there you go.
10:51 Huckleberry wants a war on heart disease, cancer,diabetes and Alzheimer’s. Somehow this is related to JFK. I don’t know how we fight this along with a war on marijuana, North Korea, Syria, Iran, Mexican immigrants, Gordon Ramsay, and hurricanes.
10:55. Still. Fucking. Going. On.
10:56 What women should be on the $10 bill. Curly = Susan B. Anthony. Huckleberry= his wife, so she can spend her own money. Rubio = Rosa Parks. Cruz = Leave Hamilton and put Rosa Parks on the $20. Carson = His mom, one of 24 kids (wtf?). Trump = Ivanka Trump, or Rosa Parks. Jeb = Margaret Thatcher, because it won’t happen anyway. Walker = Clara Barton. Fiorina = nobody because it’s a cheap gesture. Fuck you, bitch. Kasich = Mother Teresa. Christie – Abigail Adams.
11:00 What would your secret service name be? Christie = Trueheart. Kasich = Unit Two. Fiorina = Secretariat. Walker = Harley. Jeb = Eveready. Trump = Humble. Carson = One Nation. Cruz = Cojiba/Angel. Rubio = Gator. Huckabee – Duck Hunter. Paul = Justice Never Sleeps/ Douchebag.
There’s one more question but really those last two made my fucking head explode. I hate you all. And now Ol’ Handsome Joe needs to enter the race and make me laugh and feel protected and like a rational person is running this country. And if it can’t be him (or Elizabeth Warren) then I hope it is Bernie (Feel the Bern) Sanders, because they actually believe in this country, in making it better for average Americans, and in making the world a better place. These jokers are ridiculous. Rhetoric and bluster is meaningless. And most of these idiots don’t understand foreign policy to keep this country safe. If any of these clowns win, I’m out of this country faster than you can say “Swedish hockey player.”
Because I feel a need to be objective, I will give my ratings as follows:
1. Jeb Bush. He sounded rational, attacked Trump, and was a solid moderate.
2. Ben Carson. He sounded a little crazy, but still more rational than most.
3. Rand Paul. He got more air time and was a moderate voice among the crazy.
4. John Kasich. I still say the most tolerable GOP choice, but he didn’t get enough air time.
Suicide performances: Chris Christie, Marco Rubio.
11:11 This is still going on? 7 glasses of wine. Stop. No one is listening.