Shhh…I’m watching tennis porn

First off, I want to apologize for my lack of recent posts. I’ve had some stressful events in my life of late that have really sapped my creative energy to write. I happen to be on vacation from work this week, and had every intention of writing every day, but I’ve been distracted. I take this week off every year, because this is the U.S. Open tennis tournament and that means one thing – 12 hours of tennis porn every day. The beauty thing about having DirecTV is that they give you six channels of tennis matches all day, so you can flip from one hot guy to the next.

There was a time growing up when I was quite an avid tennis fan, thanks to the original perfect Swede, Stefan Edberg. Obviously you had to know there was a Swede involved. I hadn’t followed it closely for several years, but one of my closest friends is a big Roger Federer fan so I started paying attention again.  I liked rooting against Federer, because he would win all the time which I found annoying, plus he is just too girly for me. But on a night out at happy hour a few years back, the Australian Open was on tv, and that’s when I saw the man who would go on to give my life meaning.

“Who’s that?” I asked.

“Marat Safin. Russian. He sucks,” my friend answered.

“Oh, but he’s hot… I like the dirty Russian. The more he sweats, the more I like him. Something in the eyes. He just makes me want to do bad, bad things.”

[Editor’s Note: At this point, I will pause while you do a Google image search. Or start here: Hot Man on Wikipedia].

And just like that the term Dirty Russian was born. Now he is retired from tennis and is a member of the Russian parliament, so he is probably also dirty in the Putin/Russian mafia sense these days.

There are also Dirty Swedes, Dirty Serbs, and Dirty Spaniards, in case you were wondering. Roger Federer is as far away from a Dirty Swiss [is that a word? Dirty Goatherder, perhaps?] as humanly possible. Anyway, we discovered after a night of drinking, that watching our men play tennis was a lot like porn. They took their shirts off during the match, hot, sweaty, grunting . . . and we couldn’t take our eyes off it. Eventually we started buying older matches on DVD, and would sit with bottles of wine, cheese and crackers, shrimp cocktail, etc. and would watch for hours on end. We contemplated hocking our jewelry and buying vibrating leather chairs. Tennis porn brought endless joy.

No, there have been no adventurous, exciting activities on my staycation. Just tennis porn. I really have a lack of hobbies, which is a problem when you are on as many online dating sites as I am.

One thing I’ve noticed about online dating profiles, is the disturbing trend of guys liking kayaking. Now I’m sure a few are really into kayaking now and then. But you can’t convince me that 80% of guys on dating sites really go kayaking. Maybe you tried it once, but that does not make it a hobby. Another point of suspicion are guys who claim to read The Economist. Nobody really reads The Economist. But if a guy claims to kayak regularly AND read The Economist? Run. Quickly.

After filling out a few profiles, I realized I am utterly, totally boring. What do I do for hobbies? There’s volunteering for animal rescue, watching hockey, writing. I may as well say knitting and bingo. I contemplated adding rock climbing, because I’d really like to try it, but not more than 20 feet off the ground. I seriously doubt I’m coordinated enough for that. I say this because I recall the time my front door handle broke as I was bringing in groceries, and I found myself locked out without my keys or cell phone. I tried standing on a garbage can and climbing over my stockade fence, but I could only manage to get my calf wedged between the pickets with no way to pull myself over and ended up dangling upside-down by my ankle. Luckily I have scrawny chicken legs. It took four tries before I figured out to rip off the pickets and climb up the cross-rails. I’m sure one of my neighbors was recording it on his phone to put on YouTube. Search “mentally challenged girl climbing fence” and see for yourself. This is why I don’t think I would be very good at rock climbing.

So tennis porn it is for a hobby. It is an attention-getter, for sure, but eventually one gets tired of explaining it doesn’t mean I want a guy to dress up like John McEnroe in bed. (Although I’ve been tempted to and shout “YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!” at more than one guy.) Now if he looked like Marat Safin or a Dirty Swede I would be all over it and have no trouble making Maria Sharapova grunting sounds.

But let’s face it. Those guys aren’t on Match or FarmersOnly. Perhaps I should list paintball instead.

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s