The List of Men I Will Not Date

Shortly after my divorce, I had a psychic tell me that I needed to create a list of all the qualities I wanted in my soul mate and send it out to the Universe. The fact that said psychic couldn’t just tell me what my soul mate would look like should have been a red flag. But I was feeling all New Agey and had thrown myself into a self-crafted psychological detox progam that no doubt is similar to programs kidnapping victims go through to wipe out memories of their captors. Had I not been bankrupt coming out of my marriage, I probably would have also considered electro-shock therapy but I don’t think you can order those kits from Amazon. I tried.

Whether it was the psychic, The Secret, or a combination of the two, I sat down and was eager to create my own hot Frankenstein/male model of my dreams. It felt a bit strange. I mean, I couldn’t picture him. Is he Swedish or does he look like Jimmy Stewart? Does he play hockey or tennis? Of course he has an accent, but which one? Certainly he drinks Canadian, not American, beer. Okay, there’s item #1. Now what?

I started to believe it was easier to create a list of qualities I don’t ever want to date again. This was much simpler, because I started describing my ex. It went on from there to include many men I met through online dating, or that my friends did. For example, I will not date men who wear pinky rings; you didn’t win the Super Bowl, you aren’t Snoop Dogg, and you aren’t in the Mafia. That’s just unacceptable.

I haven’t added to the list in a while, because of my years of hermitage while I care for family members and try to figure out whether I could actually make enough money writing to provide an abundance of Ramen noodles for a few years.

As my hermitage years are coming to a close, I’m beginning to think I should revisit my perfect man list. But it’s just so much easier to add to The List of Men I Will Not Date:

  1. Men who smoke.
  2. Men who hunt.
  3. Convicted felons.
  4. Men who drive Volkswagen Beetles.
  5. Men who wear Crocs.
  6. Men who are overly groomed and look like extras on Jersey Shore.
  7. Men who think Sidney Crosby is the best player in the NHL.
  8. Men who have spanking fetishes.
  9. Men who don’t believe in any grooming at all.
  10. Men who wear shirts with insects all over them.
  11. Men who wear skinny jeans.
  12. Men who think it is more humane to shoot your own dog like Old Yeller than have a vet euthanize it.
  13. Men who wear fur coats to bars, particularly multi-colored ones that look like the Partridge Family bus.
  14. Men who call me “ma’am”.
  15. Men who have an unnatural obsession with Hugh Jackman.
  16. Men who think “nice rack” is a good pick-up line.
  17. Scientologists.
  18. Men who have ever attended a Tony Robbins seminar.
  19. Men who have Jesus fish on their cars.
  20. Men who wear cowboy boots at any time other than Halloween.
  21. Men who have recording studios in their bedroom.
  22. Men who wear eyeliner.
  23. Men with two first names (e.g. Billy Ray, Jim Bob)
  24. Men who have witnessed their sisters having sex, especially if it happened more than once, even if he claims it was an accident.
  25. Men who are missing teeth and they don’t play hockey.
  26. Men who go tanning (see #6).
  27. Midgets.
  28. Men who wear a fez.
  29. Men with Amish beards.
  30. Men who drive cars from the 80s that they have converted to biodiesel.
  31. Men who carry velcro nylon wallets like everyone had in grammar school.
  32. Men who eat soy pancakes.
  33. Men with tattoos on their heads.
  34. Men with tattoos of seahorses or Tweety Bird.
  35. Men who collect WWII German weaponry and munitions.
  36. Men who tell me “it’s just a dog”.
  37. Men who are campaign staffers for former professional wrestling CEOs who are trying to buy a Senate seat.
  38. Men who look like the geeky original host of Blue’s Clues.
  39. Cops.
  40. Men who think going to a strip club is a good idea for a date.
  41. Men who watch Glee.
  42. Men who know all the words to High School Musical.
  43. Men who want to buy their little yippy dog clothes and “bling”.
  44. Men who Bedazzle.
  45. Men with nose hair that requires a weedwacker.
  46. Men who wear fanny packs, unless they are diabetic or my partner on the Amazing Race.
  47. Men who have been put on a “psych hold”, and it wasn’t a paperwork mistake…
  48. Bounty hunters.
  49. Men who still collect Star Wars memorabilia.
  50. Men who have ever been to a cockfight (the birds..get your mind out of the gutter!)
  51. Men with mullets (unless it is a European hockey player and I can cut it off in his sleep)
  52. Morticians.
  53. Men who wear ascots.
  54. Men who believe Sandy Hook was a government conspiracy.
  55. Men who listen to One Direction.
  56. Men with pet snakes.
  57. Men who eat veal.
  58. Men who own Barbra Streisand cds.
  59. Men whose mothers still iron their underwear.
  60. Exterminators.
  61. Psychics.

To be continued…

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