At the risk of offending potential readers, I once again have decided that the only way to endure something which is socially necessary to view is to drink and blog about it. (Such as this crapfest.) I also think if you’ve followed me at all, or you are a legitimate friend/stalker, it’s pretty obvious that I’m a Democratic Socialist at my core. Sanders-Booker 2016!
Unfortunately, I did not have time to restock my wine tonight, so I have a limited supply. Certainly not enough for a drinking game. But hopefully I have enough to last me at least 22 minutes.
Here we go…
9:03 They have a game show buzzer. How appropriate. First LeBron pandering reference. Drink!
9:04 I believe Trump’s tie is really orange to match his face.
9:05 Oh snap! Curly Paul with the first shot at Trump. Didn’t see that.
9:06 First question to demean the black candidate who knows more than Trump. And probably Huckleberry. Shocking.
9:08 I think Rubio got a toupee. His hair usually looks a lot thinner than that. Doesn’t distract from his giant Vulcan ears.
9:09 First buzzer. I think Jeb is playing “Press Your Luck.” No whammies!!
9:10 “In Florida they call me Jeb. Because I earned it…They called me Veto Corleone because I vetoed…” Both names are stupid.
9:13 Trump calls Megyn Kelly stupid and says his sexist comments are not offensive because people are too sensitive. I think the “Women belong on their knees” slogan will catch on.
9:14 Calgary Ted Cruz going for the bold blue tie instead of the Canadian red.
9:15 Christie looks like he’s lost a ton of weight and is possibly trying to be the third Latino candidate judging from that makeup job. But an aqua tie shows you are clearly not ready to be president.
9:17 Scott “Too Boring for a Nickname” Walker is pro-life, just not that of the mother. First Planned Parenthood shot. Drink!
9:20 Kasich wearing the same tie as Christie. Fashion faux pas! Reagan reference! Drink! But he didn’t get the memo this debate is all about bashing Hillary.
9:22 Mod calls Jeb/Veto “soft” on immigration. I think this is a shot at him being the oldest guy on the stage.
9:24 What are the odds the stage collapses between the weight of Christie & Trump’s hair spray?
9:25 Trump says people “he talks to” tell him Mexico is sending criminals. How does he know it isn’t aliens? And the American people are electing “stupid” politicians.
9:26 Pee break. Load up on your carbs people! Avoid alcohol poisoning from this shitshow.
9:33 Triscuits and a refill. Sorry for the lack of substantive comments. This is like the bonus round rapid fire debate.
9:34 First quarter analysis: The round goes to Curly Paul for his tactical strikes on Trump. He actually sounds logical to me. I need to drink more.
9:35 Calgary Ted’s downturned eyebrows are like a perpetual sad face.
9:36 We’re into round 2, the one on one confrontation. “Christie do you know what Curly Paul said about you?”
9:37 Christie the first to invoke 9/11. He respects civil liberties, unless you need to cross the George Washington Bridge. Curly says he supports search warrants for wiretapping. Christie says he’s blowing hot air. Fuck the Constitution. Paul invokes Christie’s hug with Obama. Christie goes back to hugging 9/11 victims. Cage match coming in next debate.
9:39 Calgary Ted isn’t wearing a flag pin! He’s a Canadian plant! How can we trust him? Where is your birth certificate, sir??
9:41 Buzzer. Calgary Ted just won the Daily Double.
9:42 WOW! Jeb/Veto just said knowing what we know now the Iraq war was a mistake. There’s your headline tomorrow. Oh but it’s not Dubya’s fault. It was Obama’s for leaving and creating ISIS. Because we should sacrifice Americans for the next 50 years on a losing cause. He apparently never studied the history of a little country called Vietnam.
9:45 Bloody hell, they are making Ben Carson look like a Nobel prize winner. He doesn’t believe in fighting stupid wars.
9:46 Trump answers an Obamacare question by saying he was the only candidate against the Iraq war. Because politicians are stupid.
9:49 Trump says Hillary went to his wedding because he gave to the Clinton Foundation. What will he say when Ol’ Handsome Joe Biden sweeps in and steals the nomination?
9:55 Distracted by shiny objects. Pee break 2.
9:58 Sweet Jesus. Hour 2 and I haven’t blacked out. I’m missing Rick Perry. Or Michele Bachmann.
9:59 Apparently the third quarter is all about Hillary Clinton. Kasich starts with the folksy “son of a mailman” story.
10:01 Ben Carson saying he doubts Hillary will be nominee. Finally, someone who pays attention to polls and knows Sanders (and Biden) have a shot at this. He’s talking over the intelligence of the bloodthirsty mob. Prediction: Tomorrow FOX will call him “uppity.”
10:04 Jeb calls out Hillary re: the XL Pipeline and the 22 permanent jobs it will create to manufacture oil to ship to China (the highest bidder).
10:05: Scott Walker makes me miss Paul “Eddie Munster” Ryan. Could this guy be any more boring?
10:06: Christie v. Huckleberry regarding the retirement age. Christie raises the retirement age by 2 years. Huckleberry says we don’t have to do that with a consumption (VAT?) tax. He wants to end Congressional pensions. When Huckleberry sounds plausible, it’s time to throw some red meat at Trump. Ratings, people!
10:10: Huckleberry says pimps and prostitutes need to pay taxes to fund Social Security. Seriously.
10:11: Trump says he’s never gone bankrupt. But his companies did 4 times. Who the fuck would vote for this asshole? But the crowd eats it up. If this is America, I’d rather live in a banana republic. These people fucking scare me.
10:13: I’m losing the will to live.
10:14: Oh, Marco Rubio is still here. Marco…!
10:15: Nostalgic clip of Rick Perry in the junior varsity debate. He would have been awesome in this.
10:16: Scott Walker tied a yellow ribbon around the old oak tree as a kid. Apparently a Tony Orlando fan. Also disqualifying.
10:17: Wondering how many bumper stickers Huckleberry is selling? He sucks as a preacher. Can’t they get Joel Osteen to run?
10:18: Bonus pee break because they know 96% of viewers are drunk by now.
10:30: Kashich is pro gay daughter. Crowd goes wild. I am confused.
10:31: Curly Paul wants to eliminate gun registration. What could possibly be wrong with that? Because the federal government wants to censor preachers? I am drunk or confused.
10:32: White Bread Walker gets the “Black Lives Matter” question. Reasonably answers that cops need better training.
10:32: Pee Break. In case you need to call 911.
10:37: This is killing my soul. Maybe this is the new waterboarding.
10:37: These people make Stephen Harper look like Mother Teresa.
10:38: Putin hacked the Pentagon Joint Chiefs. Let’s ask Calgary Ted. Strangely he isn’t reading from Dr. Suess. Name dropping terrorists. Wants to attack Russia, Iran and Iraq. Maybe with Canadian troops.
10:40: Token black guy is still here! He clearly struggles with foreign policy questions, but I appreciate the non-inflammatory rhetoric. Wonder Bread Walker nods in agreement.
10:41: Walker asked if Putin attacks Estonia & Latvia what do we do? Responds that Putin hacked Hillary. Maybe Putin is “Anonymous.”
10:47: I’m losing consciousness. This is killing me. I hope you all appreciate my sacrifice to try and keep up with this insanity. Closing arguments next.
10:50: I can’t believe a major debate asked a question “what has God told you to tackle first?” No one is concerned these candidates are hearing voices?
10:52: Kasich said God wants America to lead. Then why do we have so much poverty?
10:54: Rubio says God gave the Republicans all the good candidates and not one for the Democrats. I’m suddenly pondering Buddhism.
10:55: Let’s ask the black man the only question about race relations. He says skin color doesn’t define who you are. WHY AM I AGREEING WITH THIS CRAZY MAN?
10:58: I want to see a steel cage match between Rand Paul and Bernie Sanders.
11:00: Calgary Ted says on day 3 of his presidency, he would persecute religious liberty. Woohoo!
11:01: Ben Carson says fuck you all, I’ve removed half a human brain and separated siamese twins.
11:01: Huckleberry goes after Hillary again. Such a jokester! He should be on Hee Haw.
11:02: Walker has 2 kids and a Harley. Still a massive balding douche.
11:03: I think Jeb could be the next Mr. Rogers.
11:04: Trump says America sucks, so vote for me.
That’s a wrap. I’m alive. No hospitalization required.
My analysis: Trump is done with the women’s vote. The winners of round 1 are Kasich, Curly Paul and Ben Carson. I say that because they sounded the least crazy.
I’m not sure my liver can handle round 2.