I watched Fifty Shades so you don’t have to…

Ok. I’ve put this off long enough today. I was challenged by a friend (I may not call you that after this movie causes me to bleach my eyes, Jaime) to blog Fifty Shades of Grey. I hated the books. Yes, I read all three. Only because a friend loaned them to me and kept promising they would get better if I kept reading. It does not bode well that by the end of book one I was really, truly hoping someone was going to die. I kept asking if Ana was going to die, and my friend would only respond, “Keep reading.” I was hopeful. That was about as fucking disappointing as my marriage. But I digress.

So, I’m warning you right now, it is taking copious amounts of wine tonight because I know this is going to be painful to watch sober. I’ve been warned already. But perhaps being drunk it will turn into a comedy. It can’t be worse than Magic Mike. Oh wait, there’s no one hot in this. Yes, it can be worse. Without further adieu…Here we go…

01:22- I like Christian’s closet. Still in the credits. I fear this is the last positive comment I will have.

01:53- His wardrobe is the same color as mine, all blue and grey. Or gray. However you spell it. I’m not that kinky though.

03:25- Ana is dressed like a 45 year old librarian. And apparently has never seen tall buildings before. I think they should have made her Amish.

04:07- How does a man who is clearly into tall Swedish women fall for a closet Amish librarian? Not buying it.

04:57- Ok. Clearly I’m not drunk enough yet. Pause. Maybe if I drink wine from a straw I’ll get drunk faster. I’ll be back.

05:52- He just asked if she was serious. I wonder the same thing. WHO WROTE THIS FUCKING DIALOGUE???

06:26- I really can’t. This is why bangs are never a good idea. He looks like a young Colin Firth but without a redeeming accent.

8:00- If Christian were really gay he would have more personality.

9:30- George W. Bush and Dick Cheney had more obvious sexual chemistry than these two.

10:30- First reference to “goddess”. Drink!

14:26- Who is the other kid working in the hardware store?? We need more of him! He is hot!

14:55- If a creepy, mysterious guy asks you for cable ties, masking tape and rope and is incapable of smiling, the correct response is to run. Quickly. If you met this guy on Match, you would think he was definitely a serial killer. Money won’t save you from certain death, honey.

19:54- There is no chemistry whatsoever and you’ve already asked this guy if he’s gay and if he has a girlfriend. This chick has no dating clue. I’m in physical pain.

25:41- I’d do Elliott over this stiff.

29:00- Beady eyed Christian is creeping me out. Written consent? Cable ties? Amish bitch needs to buy a vowel and get a clue.

32:00- I swear to God my screenplay deserves an Oscar compared to this. My ears are bleeding. Taylor. Also hotter than Christian. Horrible casting.

33:45- The whole paternal/erotic seatbelt fastening. Super creepy. Like Duggar touching creepy.

35:40- Can’t believe I wasted $1.60 on this.

37:00- “Like your Xbox?” I can’t.

37:44- The playroom looks like an awesome strip club.

39:20- He’s ruining Colin Firth for me.

41:20- She’s a virgin because she’s AMISH.

43:48- He has a flatter ass than mine. Who is turned on by this movie?

44:49- I can’t tell whose chest I’m looking at. Sorry. Very misogynisty of me, but it’s true. Poor editing.

46:02- Watching Christian play the piano, I’m suddenly having Phantom of the Opera flashbacks. Gerard Butler would have been an awesome Christian Grey. I don’t care how old he is. He could whip my ass any day, and twice on Sunday.

46:12- I’m pretty sure Ishtar was better than this movie.

47:08- Uh oh. My battery is dying, and so is my soul, knowing EL James is a billionaire off this crap.

49:15- I did kinkier shit than this in college. And it was way hotter. This skinny bitch needs to eat a cheeseburger or two.

50:20- Taylor. Fucking hot.

52:42- Really… 15 partners is a lot? For a Dominant, I mean…

53:12- Don’t hold this crappy blog against me. I really can’t be drunk enough to watch this.

56:16- I don’t understand what is special about this clueless, vapid broad. He must have an Amish fetish.

57:12- “I can’t email you about your creepy S&M contract because my computer’s down.” WTF. Kate looks like Ana’s mother. Horrible casting.

58:45. Fuck Abu Ghraib. This is worse torture. I’m running out of wine. Still not tolerable.

59:31.  My inner lawyer/goddess is going to tear this contract apart.

1:00:00: There are so many loopholes in this contract. A billionaire could afford a better BDSM lawyer. I’d agree to that contract because the terms are not clearly defined. If the purpose of the contract is the sexual pleasure of the Submissive, then the rest of the terms should be void. And the terms called for “oral contraceptives” so, he clearly violates that. Saying “yellow” allows him to continue despite her discomfort? Shoddy lawyering.

1:02:04- He shows up in her apartment after she says she’s done and ties her up? Wtf? Restraining order.

1:03- The ice cube scene in 9 1/2 Weeks was hotter.

1:04- I haven’t had sex in three years and this doesn’t even make me miss it.

1:08- Fisting? We jumped right to fisting? But you don’t know what a butt plug is? Seriously???

1:10- Oh, so in Appendix 5 we can go ice skating if you agree to butt plugs. Excellent.

1:12- How long is this movie??? We just negotiated fisting, but I’m appalled you would bend me over the conference room table…There’s not enough wine in all of Australia for this movie. Sigh…

1:18- The spanking scene. Annnnndddd we’ve officially reached the point where I want to shove a cane up his ass.

1:23- She’s biting her lip because she knows this movie is crap.

1:25- He’s smacking her hand with a riding crop. I’m having flashbacks to Catholic elementary school.

1:26-It’s finally getting interesting, but until I see his package he’s not tempting me. Again, I had hotter nights in college with handcuffs.

1:33- He is actually becoming likeable, but the writing has been too poor to this point. I am amazed that Ben Affleck could win an Oscar on his first try and this crap made more money. I think I have a future in BDSM literature.

1:35- I am a full fucking bottle of wine into this movie before it became tolerable. Do you know what I am missing on the Hallmark Channel tonight? (And I’m drunk, so I’m saying it again, my movie is a fucking masterpiece compared to this crap. Which makes me want to cry myself to sleep.)

1:37. Full circle. Ana’s mother’s boyfriend is Jack from Cedar Cove on the Hallmark Channel.

1:44 My ADD has taken over and I’m easily distracted by the same friend who challenged me to this post who is at a wedding with Russian hockey players. As if this movie isn’t enough to make me stop talking to her, the fact that I have no Russian hockey player numbers is.

1:46: My safe words are douche and tiny.

1:47: The only thing that would turn me on at this point is if she reversed roles and shoved a cane up his ass.

1:48: I don’t want you to talk, Christian. I just want you to look like a hot non-serial killer who hasn’t ruined Colin Firth for me.

1:52: Finally, there is something more damaging to women’s self esteem than The Bachelor.

1:52: Oh, this Amish bitch needs to bite off the balls of the tiny man with security issues.

1:55: Stop ruining Mr.Darcy,damn it!

1:58- Are you fucking kidding me??? That’s how it ends???

Wow. I need more wine to scrub that from my memory. I didn’t think it was possible to be worse than the book, but it was. You can’t pay me enough to watch the second one, unless Godzilla attacks his apartment and kills him.

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