I’ve been back out in the dating trenches for six years now, not counting the months/years I’ve given up and stopped shaving my legs to attend ComicCon events as a Wookie. During this time, I’ve been on every dating site known to man. Well, except ChristianMingle. Let’s face it, if you’ve been in a sex-starved marriage, will you find someone on that site who can make your loins quiver? Hmm, I’m going to say no. As I’d really like to be able to not work and write meaningful blog posts like this all day, I’m thinking of trying WealthyMen.com or SugarDaddy.com. I’d like a young stud as much as the next girl, but I’m not made for a life of poverty. A girl has needs. As long as I don’t discover a bomb shelter stockpiled with Cialis, those sites may be worth a try to get myself a new wardrobe and vacation home on the French Riviera.
Today was the final straw. I received yet another hope-inducing email from OKCupid! telling me I have new matches. One was wearing overalls. I began to have an existential crisis that perhaps OKC (as it’s known among the member-losers) knew me better than I knew myself. Maybe my soul mate does wear overalls. Maybe he’s a beekeeper. Maybe it was time to stop joking about it and finally join FarmersOnly.com.
Time to create a profile….
Introducing….”FreshMelons73. I am a vegetarian who enjoys petting animals, not eating them. I enjoy reruns of Hee Haw, square dancing and okra. I love a man who drives a pickup truck and believes Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire” makes a lovely wedding song. Please respect your Mama and the Ten Commandments.”
Ok, so I’m not really a vegetarian, but I can’t date someone who slaughters animals I get attached to. I lived in a cottage on a sheep farm in law school, so that makes me a farmer by association. I still remember coming home to see all the cute little babies herded on a trailer. I cried for days.
Now that my profile is created, I can start searching for husband #2. Hmm. It seems like an inordinate amount of men look like my estranged brother. Which is to say they look like the late Jerry Garcia, if Jerry Garcia posed with dead animals or tractors. Perhaps farmers in the Northeast are poser-farmers. I mean, there’s one in Bridgeport. If you know anything about Bridgeport, you know the only farm he could possibly have is a Chia Herb Garden on his windowsill. Or perhaps he is poaching electricity from his neighbor to grow marijuana in the basement.
There is also an abundance of profiles identical to this one: “Well i Love to Hunt, fish,camping, shooting, bows, handguns, rifles, shotguns, atv,motorcycles. all stuff out side. for work i am a truck driver landscaper.I am a God fearing gun toting conservative your mother warn you about…. ”
I fear I have been sold a false bill of goods. Where is the alfalfa farm? Or alpacas? I could be an alpaca farm-mistress! I’m beginning to consider trying BlackPeopleMeet.com. I tan really quickly.
To be continued…