Following several months of rejecting dozens of online dates for their failure to meet my 78-point dating checklist, my friends convinced me I needed to lower my standards and try something new. I agreed to meet a guy with a shaved head. Now, I don’t mean that in the scary biker way. This guy was a mortgage broker, and I assume shaved his head to cover up the fact he was going bald. Normally, I like a guy with hair that I can grab onto in the heat of the moment. Think Patrick Dempsey. But this guy, Kevin, was attractive for a bald guy, so I gave him a shot.
Breaking online dating rule #1, I agreed to meet him at his condo. We sat out on his patio for a glass of wine. My first reaction was that he was gay. His voice was a bit effeminate, and he talked with swishy hands. The date was off to a bad start when he lit a cigarette, after I told him I was allergic to cigarette smoke. Ok, I’ll allow you one. But Kevin was a chain smoker, and proceeded to light up one after another. He also downed a bottle of wine by himself, then opened another one. He talked nonstop. Mostly about how his mother always joked about him being gay and often whined that she would never have grandchildren as a result. Kevin announced that his mom came to this conclusion because he liked to dress up the family terrier in “bling” as he called it. He also proudly announced that he and his roommate know all the words to High School Musical, and never miss an episode of Glee. I should have run screaming. In my head I was thinking that my Gaydar had malfunctioned again. On the other hand, it was just too funny to leave. In the back of my mind, even then, I was thinking I needed to write a book. Perhaps all the second-hand smoke impaired my thinking. I know it wasn’t the wine, because half-way through bottle number two, I had only had two glasses myself. Kevin was just so unbelievably entertaining. I was conducting an experiment to see how many gay stereotypes he could fulfill.
His roommate eventually came home, and before the door even closed, Kevin leaned in to kiss me. Clearly he had to prove his heterosexuality. Either that, or I was revenge for a lovers’ spat between the two earlier in the day. Well, the kiss was a bit like having your face sucked off by a Dyson vacuum cleaner. I say Dyson because of their uber-powerful patented cyclonic technology. That was it, I had to get out. Especially after seeing his homemade Bedazzled belt. There was one moment of hesitation when I thought I could use a gay friend to go to shopping with, but I realized he was not quite in touch with his inner diva yet, as evidenced by the awkwardly exfoliating kissing episode.
So I ran. He called the next day to invite me to a winery for a date. This was after he drank two bottles by himself the night before. Ummm. . . I’m getting my hair cut. No, thank you. I dodged his calls after that. Every 6 months or so, I get a random text asking if I want to “hang out”. Sorry, I have no interest in getting lung cancer, I won’t be coming over and Bedazzling homemade bling for my dog.
Ever since this episode, I’ve added an item to my 79-point dating checklist: “Do you now, or have you ever, watched Glee?”